Friday, January 8, 2010

I’m Not that kid anymore

I am going to be 100% honest with you all – the holidays this year were very tough for me.  On one hand I was thrilled to witness the delight on my little ones face as he opened his gifts but there was something that I did not get to be joyful for – being with my parents.  I have yet to get into the ugly details of my childhood on my blog for many reasons.  So I thought that I would talk to you all a little about it and in doing so I am hoping to find some sort of release and the ability to let it go.  I know that healing will not come over night and it will be something that I need to work on.  I am thinking about talking to a professional just to get the “junk” off my chest.  Thank goodness I am married to the worlds greatest man because he listens to me and has been here for me for almost 10 years.

I rarely mention my father because he has no desire to be a part of my life.  He makes a sorry attempt every 4 years (or so it seems), saying that he wants to see me and D – NEVER HAPPENS!!  He has forgotten my birthday for as long as I can remember – pretty sure he was present the day I was born.  The final straw was when he sent D a birthday card for his 4th birthday wishing him a Happy 3rd Birthday (which was late as well).  That goes to show how little he knows his grandson and I just do not want that for D. D even said to me “I’m not 3 I am 4 and that card is late”.  I spoke up about it to my father and he was not even the least bit sorry.  That was when I decided it was just time to stop trying and accept that he is who he is going to be. We still speak when we see each other which this year was only due to the fact that 2 of my cousins got married.   He was at my Aunt’s house on Christmas and spent NO time with his grandsons.  He did not get them any gifts or even try to play with them.  His loss is how I need to look at it. 

I tell you all about my mom and how much I love seeing her when she comes to MA.  She was unable to come for Christmas which was REALLY hard.  I was always very attached to my mother due to the fact that my dad was not around when I was a child.  He lived in Florida when I was very young and I saw him maybe 0nce a year for all of a half hour.  He was a truck driver and would pop by unexpectedly.  Imagine me as a little one getting excited every time I heard a tractor trailer near my house and then be disappointed when I looked out the window and it was not him.  My mom tried her best being such a young mom but there was still things that she did that I question now that I am a mother.  That is the kicker here, I did not have these feelings – angry feelings – until I had D.  I can not even imagine putting my son through any of the heart ache that I went through as a kid.  I am pretty sure that is why I may go a little over the top with him, trying to give him everything that I can and find it hard to be away from him for long periods of time.  I know that someday he will not need me like he does now so that is why I think it is time to try and let go of these feelings so that I can let him live his life.  I want him to be ready for the world and make something of his life. 

At 30 years old I really do not want to have this anger inside.  Charlie said to me a few weeks ago “ you are not that kid anymore” and you know what, he is so right.  I am not, I am an adult who makes the choices when it comes to her own life.  So for 2010, I am making the decision to try and be a little less hard on myself, let go of the anger that I have and be the best mom that I can.  So there you have a little piece of my crazy puzzle.  I know that sometimes you may think that I exercise a little too much but it is my way of dealing with the anxiety that I have from issues that I come from my past. Before my surgery I would use other cardio machines at the gym which worked great as a stress release.  After my surgery I started running and the high that I got from it was addicting.  It is my happy time and I am sticking with it. 

I am sorry that I have been MIA.  I really have been meaning to stop in and say hello.  I just could not think of anything to say seeing as I was feeling so down.  Life has been a little busy and I have been trying to get a few more Z’s at night.  I cleaned for almost 3 hours yesterday (switched from Friday since we are getting a little dusting of snow) and then I had a Parent Council Meeting at D’s school last night.  When I got home I was ready to hit my pillow.  Today just happens to be a good time to get back to my blog.  I am not sure how my schedule will be but I promise to stop in time to time and let you all know how we are doing.  I am going to try and add a few things into my diet which will allow me to post more of a variety.  I am thinking that I might try to have some meat in my life seeing as my tummy has been doing really well.  I have been able to handle eggs just fine – the next step is chicken.  I can actually eat carrots too – thank goodness, they are my favorite little snack. 

With that all being said, I did try a new concoction for breakfast this morning.  The great thing about blog reading is you all remind me that I have things in my cabinet that I forget about.  I have been neglecting my bag of chia seeds.




Last night I mixed 1/2 cup of oatmeal, 1 tablespoon chia seeds, cinnamon and about 3/4 cup water.  I covered it and let it sit in the fridge overnight.

This morning I added a tad bit more water and then popped it in the microwave for about 3 minutes. The final result was a think mass of yummy goodness.




I topped it off with a banana and PB2. Stellar!!!  Those chia seeds really are magical.  They fluff up in my belly and really keep me full.  It is almost 10:30 and I am still feeling satisfied.  If you have not tried them, I highly recommend that you do.  The bag that I purchased was about $10 but a little goes a long way. 




Time to go get my little monkey dressed and ready for school.  Speaking of school, his teacher had some really fabulous things to say about him at the parent teacher conference on Wednesday.  I am really happy at how well he has adapted to preschool. 

I hope you have a great day.


itsawrapteacher said...

Thanks for sharing a little bit of your family life with us. But look at what a fantastic mother you have become despite your less-than-stellar childhood.
I'm willing to try chia seeds now. You've convinced me :)

MelissaNibbles said...

I cried reading this post because you and I had eerily similar childhoods. I don't have children and part of the reason why is because I don't know how to be a parent. My parents took very little interest in me and reminded me all the time that I was "an accident". Sorry to get so personal in your comments, but this post really touched me. I've been trying to do exactly what you said, let it go and accept things as they are. It's tough at times, but I'm trying. Thank you for this. I feel less alone in my internal struggle.

Anonymous said...

Samantha, you have eloquently described the pain that many of us have due to sad childhoods. Your approach seems very sound to me - focus on your own family, put aside your anger. Know that you are very loved and respected. -Sandy

*Erica* said...

Wow girl...we have a very similar childhood believe it or not...

My parents were married for several years before they had me. Finally had me and when I was 2, he mom found out later that he was having an affair. I have no recollection of ever living with him or of him ever being around. My memories of him are stopping by or calling around Christmas or my birthday (MAYBE, NOT ALWAYS). He moved on, married his affair-lady, had yet another daughter (he was also married before my mom and has a daughter there, too), bringing his total to 3 daughters he has left and abandoned.

He wasn't there for my graduation. He didn't come to my wedding, I didn't even send him an invitation. He had no idea that I had children until my aunts told him. He has never even seen them. When I was diagnosed with bc, the LAST thing I wanted was for him to find out. Why bother NOW?? I mean, what's the point?? I have no desire for my kids to meet him and be rejected in the same was I have been. None.

I think one reason I can let all this go and not let it bother me on a daily basis is the fact that my mom met and married "my dad" when I was 4. David (weird even calling him by name, NEVER done that!) has been my dad ever since. My mom says that he fell in love with me before he fell in love with her;-) He has never stumbled or paused in being my dad. He and my mom had twins, Layne and Jessica, and my baby brother Matthew. We are one big happy family. I have never felt that void of "not having a dad" around. And that's why I think I have dealt with it the way that I do...I don't feel like anything is missing.

I also haven't made any effort for him to see my kids and neither has he ever made any type of move to try to see them. Not a phone call, letter, nothing. But I don't want that for them. I would prefer that he never see them, actually. I hope that doesn't sound cold, but I think you understand. My kids have a Poppy who is their grandpa. They don't need my sperm-donor to come and meet them, confuse them, and then never come around again for a year or two, or ten. Absolutely not.

So I completely hear ya, girl. But we have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are NOT THEM. We may have their genes, but that's ALL we got! We were raised differently, to be strong and loving women, determined that OUR children's lives would be different. THAT'S how we make it choosing our path differently and paying the right things forward. By walking the path of faith and righteousness and doing our best every day to be better people. And in my mind, from what I know of you, YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED in that! Ya know, in a way, we have a head's up on some others because we know what we DON'T want to be. Hold you head up you and I will pray that God will give peace to your heart <3

tam said...

Keep thinking of your future with your happy family, thanks for sharing. I just ordered a big bag of chia seeds can't wait to try them x x

Melissa said...

That was very brave of you to share on your blog. I've just started blogging myself and am having a very hard time keeping it neutral and not too personal even though I want to share so many things that are going on in my life (so.much.drama) but am afraid of putting it out there publicly. Perhaps it will just happen naturally.
I enjoy your blog and your food photos--I'm a runner as well so I understand the need for a run (I may not always enjoy the run but I NEED what it does for me mentally). I'll never be one to say you run too much :-)
Take care,

Diana @ frontyardfoodie said...

I feel honored that you poured your heart out to us readers. Your family now is beautiful and functional and you should be proud at how well you've built your life even though your past was hard.

Mama Pea said...

I was thinking about you yesterday and prayed for you. It is amazing to me that you posted this today. I miss you and hope that this is a start in your healing. You are wonderful!!!

Marilyn said...

What remarkable insight! Your son is so very fortunate that you are his mother and that your understanding and patient husband is his father. The world needs more of people like you.

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