I am going to be 100% honest with you all – the holidays this year were very tough for me. On one hand I was thrilled to witness the delight on my little ones face as he opened his gifts but there was something that I did not get to be joyful for – being with my parents. I have yet to get into the ugly details of my childhood on my blog for many reasons. So I thought that I would talk to you all a little about it and in doing so I am hoping to find some sort of release and the ability to let it go. I know that healing will not come over night and it will be something that I need to work on. I am thinking about talking to a professional just to get the “junk” off my chest. Thank goodness I am married to the worlds greatest man because he listens to me and has been here for me for almost 10 years.
I rarely mention my father because he has no desire to be a part of my life. He makes a sorry attempt every 4 years (or so it seems), saying that he wants to see me and D – NEVER HAPPENS!! He has forgotten my birthday for as long as I can remember – pretty sure he was present the day I was born. The final straw was when he sent D a birthday card for his 4th birthday wishing him a Happy 3rd Birthday (which was late as well). That goes to show how little he knows his grandson and I just do not want that for D. D even said to me “I’m not 3 I am 4 and that card is late”. I spoke up about it to my father and he was not even the least bit sorry. That was when I decided it was just time to stop trying and accept that he is who he is going to be. We still speak when we see each other which this year was only due to the fact that 2 of my cousins got married. He was at my Aunt’s house on Christmas and spent NO time with his grandsons. He did not get them any gifts or even try to play with them. His loss is how I need to look at it.
I tell you all about my mom and how much I love seeing her when she comes to MA. She was unable to come for Christmas which was REALLY hard. I was always very attached to my mother due to the fact that my dad was not around when I was a child. He lived in Florida when I was very young and I saw him maybe 0nce a year for all of a half hour. He was a truck driver and would pop by unexpectedly. Imagine me as a little one getting excited every time I heard a tractor trailer near my house and then be disappointed when I looked out the window and it was not him. My mom tried her best being such a young mom but there was still things that she did that I question now that I am a mother. That is the kicker here, I did not have these feelings – angry feelings – until I had D. I can not even imagine putting my son through any of the heart ache that I went through as a kid. I am pretty sure that is why I may go a little over the top with him, trying to give him everything that I can and find it hard to be away from him for long periods of time. I know that someday he will not need me like he does now so that is why I think it is time to try and let go of these feelings so that I can let him live his life. I want him to be ready for the world and make something of his life.
At 30 years old I really do not want to have this anger inside. Charlie said to me a few weeks ago “ you are not that kid anymore” and you know what, he is so right. I am not, I am an adult who makes the choices when it comes to her own life. So for 2010, I am making the decision to try and be a little less hard on myself, let go of the anger that I have and be the best mom that I can. So there you have a little piece of my crazy puzzle. I know that sometimes you may think that I exercise a little too much but it is my way of dealing with the anxiety that I have from issues that I come from my past. Before my surgery I would use other cardio machines at the gym which worked great as a stress release. After my surgery I started running and the high that I got from it was addicting. It is my happy time and I am sticking with it.
I am sorry that I have been MIA. I really have been meaning to stop in and say hello. I just could not think of anything to say seeing as I was feeling so down. Life has been a little busy and I have been trying to get a few more Z’s at night. I cleaned for almost 3 hours yesterday (switched from Friday since we are getting a little dusting of snow) and then I had a Parent Council Meeting at D’s school last night. When I got home I was ready to hit my pillow. Today just happens to be a good time to get back to my blog. I am not sure how my schedule will be but I promise to stop in time to time and let you all know how we are doing. I am going to try and add a few things into my diet which will allow me to post more of a variety. I am thinking that I might try to have some meat in my life seeing as my tummy has been doing really well. I have been able to handle eggs just fine – the next step is chicken. I can actually eat carrots too – thank goodness, they are my favorite little snack.
With that all being said, I did try a new concoction for breakfast this morning. The great thing about blog reading is you all remind me that I have things in my cabinet that I forget about. I have been neglecting my bag of chia seeds.
Last night I mixed 1/2 cup of oatmeal, 1 tablespoon chia seeds, cinnamon and about 3/4 cup water. I covered it and let it sit in the fridge overnight.
This morning I added a tad bit more water and then popped it in the microwave for about 3 minutes. The final result was a think mass of yummy goodness.
I topped it off with a banana and PB2. Stellar!!! Those chia seeds really are magical. They fluff up in my belly and really keep me full. It is almost 10:30 and I am still feeling satisfied. If you have not tried them, I highly recommend that you do. The bag that I purchased was about $10 but a little goes a long way.
Time to go get my little monkey dressed and ready for school. Speaking of school, his teacher had some really fabulous things to say about him at the parent teacher conference on Wednesday. I am really happy at how well he has adapted to preschool.
I hope you have a great day.